PFS2012 Blogger Guest Post: Kat, Archer, and Steph from Cuddlebuggery

“I’ve got a really bad feel­ing about this,” Archer moans as he lugs him­self out of the car. “Nothing’s going to hap­pen,” I assure him as I grip the han­dle on my bag, lift it, and dump it on him. “But… just in case: did you bring your spare axe?”

He groans under the weight of my bag. “Sue’s in the trunk.”

Steph exam­ines her check­list as she approaches from the other side of the car. “We brought two long swords, five short swords, three bows, four axes, a baker’s dozen grenades, twelve throw­ing knives, three dag­gers and six smoke bombs. Did we for­get anything?”

“Oh damn it!” I say in frus­tra­tion as I bump the door closed. “I for­got my toothbrush!”

Steph rolls her eyes and tosses her bags to Archer. “Well, you’re not using mine.”

“Or mine,” Archer adds. “Ladies, seri­ously, I’m not a pack mule, you know. I need my arms free to hold Tabitha in case there’s any trouble.”

“So we’ll make a cou­ple of trips,” I say, sling­ing my bow and quiver over my shoul­der and sheath­ing my sword.

“I need Tabitha. Hand her to me. I want to be pre­pared for any… shenanigans.”

“Here.” Steph passes him Tabi from the trailer we hired to cart our arse­nal. “We’ll be pre­pared this time. Nothing’s get­ting the jump on us. Wait… Kat, what is this?”

“My rocket launcher. It’s a M72 Law.”

Archer and Steph stare at me and the rocket launcher inter­mit­tently before shrug­ging and fin­ish­ing unload­ing the car. “Good think­ing,” Steph adds.

“Did you spray a Gears of War omen on it?” Archer asks.

“I had to dress Tris­tan up a lit­tle. He looked so stan­dard issue.”

“Tris­tan?” Archer raises his eye­brow and smirks.

I huff and stroke Tris­tan gen­tly. “He’s phal­lic, he’s pow­er­ful and he’s beau­ti­ful. He’s got Romance Hero writ­ten all over him.”

Archer thinks about it for a sec­ond and then shrugs. “I like it. Good thinking.”

We all stop for a moment to exam­ine our impres­sive bag­gage. “This is going to be a fun party,” Steph says. Archer and I nod in agree­ment before heav­ing the bags up and mak­ing our way to the home­stead in front of us.

When we reached the door, Asher Knight greets us, jump­ing up and down. “Oh my god! You guys are here! I mean… you’re late, but you’re here!”

We shuf­fle our feet awk­wardly. “Yeah, sorry, Asher. It takes us a long time to pack these days.”

Asher looks over our lug­gage and pales slightly. “Is that a rocket launcher?”

“Yeah…”

“You know it’s just a birth­day party, right?” Asher asks, glanc­ing at us like we’re crazy.

“It’s just a pre­cau­tion,” Steph assures her. “Weird things seem to hap­pen around us.”

“Well, come inside!” she says, beck­on­ing us into the siz­able, dark house where loud, thump­ing music emanates from. Strobe lights flash across the room where a large house­ful of peo­ple dance.

We squeeze our way through mov­ing bod­ies and into a dark pas­sage­way. “Your rooms are in here.” She leads us into the two largest bed­rooms. We’re all relieved to see the com­fort­able, clean spaces and take the first oppor­tu­nity to dump our bags and stretch.

“Okay. Suit up and let’s go party!” Steph declares. “Leave the rocket launcher!” she snaps when I reach down for it.

I worry the bot­tom of my blouse and feel naked with­out Tris­tan, but even­tu­ally shove it off. Archer looks to Steph for approval for Tabitha, and when she gives him an assent­ing nod I start whing­ing. “That mon­stros­ity is over six foot tall and you’re let­ting him take it!”

“Yeah, there’s one dif­fer­ence, Kat. Tabi can’t take out tanks and armoured vehi­cles!” Archer grum­bles as he gets ready to leave. With my swords, dag­gers, throw­ing knives and smoke bombs equipped, I’m ready to go out and dance. Steph tries to arrange her new bow some­where use­ful. “I want one of those com­pact bows Hawk­eye has in The Avengers.”

“Sorry, Steph,” Archer says, as he shows her how to wear it across her back. “We’ll have to save up for those. Besides, you still need a lit­tle prac­tice before you upgrade.”

Steph har­rumphs, set­tling the bow over her shoul­der and we head back out to the party. Asher waves us over to dance.

“This is a great party!” Steph yells over the music. “Happy birthday!”

“Thanks!” Asher yells back, a lit­tle breath­less. “I didn’t expect so many people!”

“Well, what do you expect? You’re a kick ass blog­ger!” I yell. Steph, Archer and I jump around and dance. Peo­ple see our weapons and give us a wide berth but that only makes danc­ing easier.

“It looks like our new weapons will go to waste tonight,” Steph hollers at us. Archer and I stop and glare at her, which is good because I was really work­ing up a sweat.

“What?” she asks, look­ing around.

“You just had to say it!” Archer and I both answer furi­ously. “Now something’s def­i­nitely going to happen!”

Steph starts to blow it off. “Nothing’s going to-”

“That’s it,” I inter­rupt angrily. “I’m going to go get Tris­tan before she says some­thing even stupider.”

Archer growls and grumbles.

Steph, frus­trated, yells over the crowd. “Nothing’s going to hap­pen that a rocket launcher can’t handle!”

“Fuckin’ hell, Steph,” Archer’s voice booms. “Now you’ve gone and done it! Kat… Go get Tris­tan, quick.”

“Every­thing okay?” Asher asks as she squeezes past the danc­ing bod­ies as I make my way to our room. As soon as I slip into the door, the noise level drops and my ears ring with the rel­a­tive silence. I lean down next to my bed and let my fin­gers brush against Tristan’s smooth cas­ing. Just as I’m about to pick him up, I hear a loud boom­ing noise, fol­lowed by shat­ter­ing glass and scream­ing. “Damn it, Steph. Just had to jinx it,” I mut­ter as I grab my ammu­ni­tion and stuff the first rocket down the tube.

Every­one is still scream­ing as I run back toward the lounge room. When I get there, amidst the chaos and flee­ing party-goers I see that four giant, hor­rif­i­cally ugly trolls have crashed through the floor-to-ceiling win­dows that lined the east wall. Steph, usu­ally the least vio­lent and first to panic, has her bow drawn taut. I watch as she fires an arrow right at the first troll, which ric­o­chetes off its thick, rub­bery skin.

Archer hefts Tabitha, and lets loose an enor­mous bat­tle cry, swing­ing the mighty axe in a fig­ure eight. He runs to the first troll and lands the axe right between the dumb brute’s eyes, bury­ing it deep. We wait, tense, as the crea­ture lets out a slow moan, tilts its head back and whips Archer against the wall before con­tin­u­ing its rampage.

Asher runs up to me. “What is it? What’s hap­pen­ing?” she asks.

“Trolls,” I yell. ”Must have come to crash the party. Here, take my short sword.”

Asher clutches the hilt and holds the sword out in front of her valiantly. “Well,” she says, her arms shak­ing, “I guess we’ll have to take them down.”

“Kat! Shoot now!” Steph yells, duck­ing a swipe from one of the brutes.

I aim Tris­tan, track the troll over a cou­ple of moments, let out a deep breath of air and squeeze the trig­ger. With a burst of noise, but not real recoil, the rocket pro­pels toward the first troll to great effect. The beast lights up in a fiery ball and roars with fury. It stum­bles back and top­ples over while Steph leaps onto its gut in one agile move and begins hack­ing off the creature’s head. Its friends, see­ing and hear­ing its screams and gur­gles of pain, begin tak­ing swings at Steph.

“Asher, take Tris­tan and keep fir­ing!” I cry as I thrust the rocket launcher into her hands, pulling out my broadsword and run­ning to Steph’s aid.

With great agility she ducks and weaves through the bar­rage of fists as the three trolls converge.

“Archer!” I yell, jump­ing at the first troll and smash­ing my sword through its extended arm. “We need help!” A rocket whis­tles over my shoul­der, past the three remain­ing trolls and destroys the back patio.

Every­one, includ­ing the trolls, stops and stares at Asher. “Oops…”

“Archer, wake up!” I call again, yank­ing my sword out of the beast’s arm and dodg­ing over to give his leg a good kick.

Archer comes to with a sud­den jolt. “What? Dafuq? Urgh my head…”

“Get up and help us!” Steph screams. She climbs up on a troll’s back and grabs it in a choke lock. It lurches to and fro, try­ing to dis­lodge her.

“These guys are as dumb as they are ugly,” I say, duck­ing another sledge-hammer-like swipe from the other two focus­ing their efforts on me. ”I’m going to line them up, Asher, and you fire.”

“Okay,” she calls back. Archer leaps to his feet and yanks Tabitha out of his troll’s head, caus­ing it to whine in pain.

“Let’s dance, princess!” he roars, swing­ing his axe and bit­ing into the creature’s leg. Steph’s troll crashes to its knees as mine swings, hits me in the gut and sends me fly­ing into the wall.

The troll stops, lets out a vic­tory roar, and then bursts into flames as Asher fires another rocket into its gut.

“Take that!” I whoop while clutch­ing ribs that may or may not have been broken.

Asher cheers. “Damn trolls, always show­ing up uninvited!”

“Help! Help! Some­one help!” Steph screeches as her troll begins throw­ing its fists behind it’s head, try­ing to shake her off so it could breath.

“Just a sec!” Asher replies, fid­dling with the ammo and the launcher. Archer is too focused cir­cling around his troll, taunt­ing it, and tak­ing it down bit by bit.

I strug­gle to my feet, my ribs on fire and get­ting worse with each breath. I take out a throw­ing knife, give a flick of my wrist and send it through the creature’s eye. It roars, stops hit­ting at Steph and clutches at its face. She jumps off its back, picks up her sword and hacks its head off with three mas­sive swings.

Archer laughs and cir­cles the con­fused troll like a true bar­bar­ian. Its arms and legs are hacked to shreds and bleed­ing, and still the enraged, hate­ful crea­ture hits at him viciously.

With one mis­step it brings its big fists down on to Archer’s head with a loud crack and a sick­en­ing crunch. Steph screams and I lunge for­ward before the beast can fin­ish him off, slap­ping it across the face with my sword, open­ing its cheek and caus­ing the mon­ster to rear back angrily. I try to dodge out of its way, but my chest is on fire, lim­it­ing my movement.

“Kat!” Asher calls. “Duck!”

With­out look­ing behind me, I crum­ple to the floor, barely miss­ing another big swing of fists. The rocket fizzes and pro­pels into the crea­ture with an explo­sive bang. The moment it hits the ground, Steph jumps on it, using her whole body to drive her sword into its chest.

I drag myself over to Archer’s body. “Archer! Archer! C’mon Archer! Get up!” I yell angrily, swip­ing at my burn­ing eyes. Asher drops Tris­tan and runs for­ward to help while Steph sobs.

After a tense, hor­ri­fy­ing moment, Archer jolts awake.

“Archer!” we scream in relief.

Archer clutches his head and stretches his shoul­ders, loud crack­ing and pop­ping noises sound­ing from his neck and back. “I think that thing got the crink out of my spine. I feel frick­ing awesome.”

I huff in relief which hurts my ribs.

“You scared us! We thought you were dead!” Steph admon­ishes him.

“Dead? Me? Fuck no. Dying for a drink though.”

I have a beer popped and in his hand within five seconds.

“What was that all about?” Asher asks. “I mean – noth­ing like that has ever hap­pened to me! Why would they come here?”

The last troll, after every­thing, starts to twitch and rise. I groan and hand my broadsword over to Asher. “Happy Birth­day, Asher. Chop its fuck­ing head off and enjoy it while you can.”

Steph, Archer and I look guiltily at each other as Asher begins hack­ing at the troll with glee.

“I guess it’s just us,” Steph says as she shrugs her shoul­ders. “We tend to attract trouble.”

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